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Self-awareness June 13, 2008

Posted by riverbrady in : General , 1 comment so far

The road to self-awareness often leads back to one’s beginning. So much of life we hear, we’re told, we think that the road to finding ourselves requires travel away - new experiences that will forever change our way of thinking and interacting. In many aspects, this can’t be disputed. We do need to travel away from our current selves to get a wider view of the world, a greater view of ourselves interacting in it. Experiencing life. Making mistakes. Picking ourselves up. Falling again. It’s all part and parcel for the whole gig.

So what do we do when our path leads us not further away from who we used to be, but closer towards that past? Do we rail against life and convince ourselves that what other people say, that “you’ll never be the person you used to be” has to be correct? Or rather…do we recognize that we always have been and always will be that person, but with modifications and changes along the way?

I don’t regret choices I have made. I wish that various people had not been affected in many ways due to those choices, but I cannot regret those choices. I like where I am now. I like finally recognizing the person I should be rather than playing doormat to friends and loved ones. Regretting those choices would be the same as telling myself I wish I was back in that situation, that I hadn’t learned these lessons over the last number of years. It would mean I disagreed with being the mature, self-cognizant me who recognizes both the good and flawed aspects of himself from his younger years.

Not possible. Not happening.

Yet in it all I find a bit of irony in counterbalance to many friend’s views. In finally recognizing self, in standing up and telling myself that I do matter and that what people believe of me is not always true, I’ve moved back close to being that person I was 20 years ago. I’ve moved back to recognizing the values in life that were prevalent 10-15 years ago. I’ve re-become me, and become a much better person for it.

An excerpt from the Spread Your Wings AR forum May 29, 2008

Posted by riverbrady in : Adventure Racing, Quotes , 1 comment so far

This follows on my experience, and is one of the reasons the weekend was so great.

“There’s something succinctly different about adventure racers. Crazy, yes. Disciplined, sure. But they are the most optimistic, good humored people in the world as a whole. Sure, there’s one or two who are way too intense, but most, nearly all of them are just incredible people. In so many ways. It’s amazing to watch a team come in to the T.A. at 2 am, wet, muddy, beat up from the day, exhausted, ending leg 5, handed leg 6 clue sheet, knowing there’s another 4 to go, and they’ll joke about the time, the event, the checkpoint in the dark cave, but they don’t complain, there’s no whining, no bitching. And they often leave T.A. telling me “thank you” and each other, “Okay, let’s get after it!” Even if they are down a team member, even with a broken bike, blood on their knees, they leave with as much of a smile as their face muscles can muster up. It’s indicative of their inner spirit and strength. I always leave these weekends very uplifted and humbled in my daily doings.”

The Distance April 29, 2008

Posted by riverbrady in : General, Quotes , add a comment

I was going through things this evening and realized I’ve never posted this here…one of my poems from a few years back. I always like revisiting this to remind myself of the joys I can take from running…

Formatting is a bit funky and I’m tired, so a simple link will have to suffice.

Catching up April 28, 2008

Posted by riverbrady in : General , add a comment

It’s so easy to let oneself get caught up in the hurricane surrounding every day…to imprint upon your mind and thoughts that this and that need to be done now, that you’ll get back to that email or phone call sometime later, that one more week…or two won’t make a difference in the trip you’re planning on taking.

It’s easy to forget to slow down, and ensure you make the phone call, write a quick note, let a friend know you’re thinking of them - simply slowing down and enjoying things.

Yesterday I spent a couple hours catching back up with a friend. Time of nothing but talk, coffee, and realizing how much I don’t keep in touch when I should, especially with those people who mean a lot in my life, whether I’ve known them for years or found myself newly remaking their acquaintance after too much time.

It was a good day - one of the better ones I’ve had in a while.

Biking Heart Rate April 25, 2008

Posted by riverbrady in : Training , add a comment

From lactate threshold testing we know I can get my running HR up to at least 203. Yesterday while maxing on the bike I hit 200. Normally your biking max is supposed to be 10-15 beats lower than your running max. It’s looking like I’m one of the anomalies, along with having a huge range to play with, as I don’t start going anaerobic until the mid-high 160s.

Call me weird.

Ongoing April 7, 2008

Posted by riverbrady in : Training, Nutrition, Medical , add a comment

The past week has marked the first full week I’ve been back training and enjoying it. I joined up with 24 Hour Fitness right after Easter due to an incredible price on a new membership. Since then it’s been a gradual transition back into a regular weight routine, trying out some spin classes to get back on the bike, and mucking about in the pool (wonderfully non-chlorinated). While I prefer to be outside, it’s made getting up and making myself do something in the morning much easier, and given me the ability to hit the gym during lunch those days I wish to.

As usual, right now the main focus is getting back into shape, flexibility, and shedding a few pounds before the wedding. It feels a bit odd to say that, and I find it increasingly annoying when most friends seem to get angry when I talk about “needing to lose a few pounds,” but the fact of the matter is that I’m carrying extra weight around my midsection that doesn’t need to be there, and that I’m easily a good 15 lbs over where I used to be as standard.

Right now it simply feels nice - no exhaustive tracking, no set schedule (though I’ve a few things I’m planning to cement for every week), just getting out and doing something for and hour or two and enjoying feeling good again.

Humans as Distance Runners

Posted by riverbrady in : General , add a comment

An interesting article on why humans make good distance runners .

Slowly March 17, 2008

Posted by riverbrady in : Training, Medical , add a comment

Today marked my first Monday yoga date with Luisa. We plan on incorporating more days as we continue and as my leg allows, but Monday is the day we absolutely get together for the bit of time to ourselves.

Afterwards I headed to the gym for some upper body. Tomorrow the plan is to gently work what lower I can and progress back to the 4 day/week, alternating body area weight schedule that I kept for years before I moved to Austin and got lazy about it.

The leg and knee continue to pose problems. The hematoma in my calf seems to be getting smaller - thank goodness it’s in the muscle and not connected to the bone. The ankle…is mysterious. The first week it was fine to the point where I could dance. Then it started swelling like mad and darkening as if blood was draining and pooling under the skin. As it was right after some hard massage work on the hematoma we were worried that we’d cause something to start bleeding again. Thankfully the darkening has almost completely disappeared, though the swelling continues to come and go. I’m heading back into the doc’s on Wednesday for some more x-rays of the ankle to see if I might have a hairline fracture or something. In the meantime, I get to continue playing the old man with the cane (but at least it’s a collapsable cane!).

Motivation lately has been difficult, but I’m working on it. Right now there is no focus for racing with the wedding coming up. The only focus is to do something, to bring myself back down to the low 160s where clothes are comfortable, and to work on my flexibility. So far I’m keeping on track.

I really liked Rich’s idea about awarding himself points for specific positive goals, focusing on a balance of training and life. I believe I’ll have to come up with my own similar system.

Musings January 9, 2008

Posted by riverbrady in : Medical, Mental , add a comment

Depression.

It was in a way odd…watching The Flying Scotsman and seeing the portrayal of the main character’s depression. It brings a sharp counterpoint to my own dealings, thoughts, feelings, and actions (or lack thereof) when things seem to be going downhill in my mind. A cognizant depressant? At times it feels like a load of bull, at other times feels all too real - the ability to step outside oneself and see yourself slowly heading down the destructive path, and only part of the time able to consciously pull yourself off along a turn during the way.

At least it feels like I am cognizant enough to recognize when things start getting too much. Then again, part of me wonders if I should be on my meds more often than not. There have been times in the past few where I’ve wondered if I was treading the fence a bit too far to the other side.

Where does one draw the line between a down day and depressed day, between a feeling that can be quickly changed around and one that continues to keep dragging yourself down?

Kinda funny how much you can write, delete, and try to put again into words while trying to adequately convey your thoughts - all the time knowing you’re not doing an adequate job.

I find it odd, unsettling, a sign that things are not right that I don’t like being alone anymore. I used to be such a solitary person. When I’m in the right aspects, out enjoying nature, or a good workout, or something that I know I enjoy, I still love the time to myself as well as the time I spend with others. But there’s an aspect beyond that…the feeling of just not knowing what to do when I get home and the fight to make myself do something that all too often ends up with me checking out, catching up, wasting time on the computer.

Feels rather ironic, writing this…on the computer.

The music helps though. Music, movies, games…it’s always been something I can relate to, or fly away with in my mind. Something that doesn’t remind me, or reminds me all too much, of many mistakes I’ve made. Just getting away…like those time simply taking the truck down new roads, or the lost times of myself, the road, and my old motorcycle.
That does seem to be one of my worst issues: dwelling on mistakes I’ve made, rather than focusing on choices I’ve made and the positives of where life is right now. At times I feel like the person who has set their clock forward 5 minutes to never be late, but knows in their mind that the clock is wrong, and thus ambiguity enters in. I’m the person who is always questioning certain choices I’ve made, questioned relationships I’ve ended and how I could have not hurt the person, or reduced the hurt caused, despite knowing that what was done was necessary at the time…at least in as much as my convoluted thoughts could determine.

How do I keep those random events from pulling me down? How do I balance doing something with not doing too much, or trying to do too much. How much is me, how much is my environment, how much is all the shit that’s happened in my life while I’ve lived in Texas and my desire to be out of this place?

Then again, how much is me transferring my frustrations…at times my rage at myself over perceived stupidity…to the place I live, when in reality it could be anywhere.

Maybe I’ll figure out some answers. Maybe I’ll put my bike back together when I get home and start riding it to work. For right now, I think I’ll go swimming, take my meds, and take it one step at a time from there.

Alex - Nine Years Passed December 16, 2007

Posted by riverbrady in : My Stuff , add a comment

It’s been nine years and while I know how he died, I still don’t know the cause. I don’t think I could bear to reopen that wound with the people who would know, but that last afternoon we were all together and seeing Kent, RJ, and Nick walking back has forever been seared into my mind.

I remember thinking,
I’ll go on forever knowing that I’ll see you again.
But now, as you have passed
You will be in my heart forever.

You were a light.
A light that shined so incredibly bright it touched everyone.
It began with your smile.
Your smile was electrifying, and your laughter filled us all with love.
So proud, and beaming with them you strode confidently into our hearts.
I sought your guidance.
And I confided in you secrets that were never told.

You were dynamic, a leader, you emerged in the toughest situations.
And now, as your light is gone from us, it remains in our hears and minds.
It radiates in the night sky.

Last night, I gave you a star, the middle star in Orion’s belt, my favorite star.
Orion is the hunter, and fittingly in my mind, you are with him.
You were our hunter.
You hunted perfection, you had to be the best.
Your dreams, goals and ambitions had to be achieved.
You would not settle for less.

More than a teammate, a person to share lane or locker with,
You were a friend, a best friend, a brother.
And now as you depart and leave from this earth,
I just wanted to say
I love you.

by Brian Bell